By Tan Yi Lin
As newly-weds, there are some issues that you and your spouse are likely to have discussed before the big day, such as, “Where shall we hold our wedding?”, “Where will we stay after marriage?”, and “How do we manage our finances as a family?”
Reading this with an engagement ring upon your finger and marriage on the cards? Congratulations! Now is the perfect time to bring another question up for discussion: Should we and do we want to start trying for a baby once we get married?
For every couple, the concerns and expectations of having a baby immediately after marriage could be different. Here’s a list of ten considerations that you may want to mull over – both as individuals, and together as a couple, to help you make an informed decision in planning for a baby.
1. Your Emotional State
Whether you impulsively threw yourself headfirst into marriage after a whirlwind romance, or whether you decided to get married because it was the logical, practical “next step” to take after dating for ten years, the state of being newly-married can bring about new emotions that were never there before – some pleasant, others perhaps more challenging to manage. For example, feeling anxious about certain expectations that your husband’s parents may have of their new daughter-in-law. Being a new parent early on in the marriage can add further emotional and psychological stress. If you are struggling with challenges pertaining to self-image or relationships, it might be a good idea to sort out your issues and emotions first before pursuing parenthood.
2. The Husband & Wife Relationship
Parenthood – even the pursuit of parenthood – is a joint project. As newly-weds, you may suddenly discover that you don’t see eye-to-eye on certain things, like what colour to paint the bedroom wall. Not being able to agree on seemingly minor matters should not discourage you from discussing bigger issues like when to start a family. Accept that learning to be good parents together will be difficult, simply because you were both brought up differently from each other and may harbour different ideas on what successful parenting entails. Take more time to share your hopes and expectations for your new little family before making that baby.
3. Age
Females are born with a fixed number of eggs in their ovaries, which decrease every month with the onset of puberty and menstruation. The optimal window for women to conceive is between the ages 22 and 26. From then on, fertility decreases with age. Egg quality may also start to fail, making natural conception increasingly difficult with age. The percentage of women who achieve pregnancy within the first year of trying corresponds directly with their age: 90% for those in their early 20s; 70-80% for those in their late 20s to early 30s; 60-70% for those in their late 30s. For males, sperm quantity and quality start to decline when they reach 40. So logically, couples who marry younger can afford to delay having a baby after marriage as compared to couples who tie the knot later in life. However, even if time is on your side, it may be prudent to take stock of your reproductive health by getting pre-conception checks done early on in the marriage to detect any health issues (e.g. blocked fallopian tubes, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, etc.) that may affect your plans to start a family. Having a child is not a given. Although there are artificial methods to help older couples conceive (e.g. in-vitro fertilization, intra-uterine insemination, etc.) the rate of success decreases with increasing age. Bear in mind also that even if you do conceive later on in life, the risks of miscarriage and foetal birth defects are significantly higher for older couples.
Conversely, if you marry at a later age, you should never feel pressured into having a baby as soon as possible because of your age or fear of regret at having “missed the boat”. The decision to have children is a major one – and it is irreversible. So think carefully before you hit panic mode and get caught up in the frenzy to have a child.
4. Physical Fitness
Raising a child can be physically taxing. If you are not in the pink of health, you might want to enjoy more couple time and work on increasing your well-being and fitness levels before starting a family. Investing time and effort in ensuring that you are in the best of health for parenthood is important for both your post-delivery recovery and your child’s physical condition. Health is wealth. Your child will be happy when you are physically fit to provide the best for him.
5. Finances
Take stock of your finances. If you have just splurged on the big day of your life, an indulgent honeymoon or your dream matrimonial home, chances are that you are feeling pretty “broke” for now and the thought of having to provide for a new baby so soon might seem daunting. Put aside some time to organise, stabilise and build up your finances, both as individuals and as a family. While you don’t have to spend years accumulating a large amount of capital in order to start a family, knowing that you are in good financial health will give you the confidence and security for raising kids.
6. Career
While it is probably not a good idea to put family plans on hold for the sole reason of climbing the corporate ladder, couples with stable careers are likely to be more open to the idea of starting a family soon after marriage. If either or both of you are fresh out of university, pursuing post-graduate education or in the midst of a major career change, take some time to settle into your new job or academic endeavours before taking on an additional role as a new parent. You may even want to set goals for career achievements, and establish how parenthood fits into your career roadmap. Once you reach certain short-term career milestones, you might wish to consider having a baby now that your career is on track.
7. Home
Like most newly-weds, you may be still waiting for the construction of your flat or apartment, or looking around for a new dwelling. In the interim, you may be staying with your parents or in-laws, or renting a place. You may feel that the current housing arrangement is less than ideal and may not feel comfortable enough to for starting a family, and would rather wait until you have settled into your own place. The best home for your children is one that offers a sense of warmth and stability, and not that perfect stylish dream home that you imagine returning after giving birth. Therefore, don’t allow the absence of your ideal matrimonial home deter you from embarking on your parenthood journey.
8. Lifestyle
If your minds are set on having a baby, you must accept that life as you know will change once you become parents. However, it need not change that drastically, depending on your lifestyle preferences. If you are a couple with a vibrant social life peppered with dine-outs, late-night parties or extreme sporting adventures throughout the week, you may need to give yourselves a few months to wind down and get used to a less intense social schedule. Try to gravitate toward more family-friendly activities, which will be the de rigour once kids come along. However, if you both prefer to spend your evenings and weekends indoors with a DVD or book, or hanging out with families with young children even before marriage, then you could probably take the plunge into parenthood while living the lifestyle that you have always loved.
9. A Good Support Network
Having good support from family and friends can definitely help to take some of the stress off new parents. Knowing that you can rely on your mother-in-law for advice, or a parent friend to keep an eye on your baby when in need, will help you feel more confident and secure about becoming a parent earlier in life.
10. You love kids!
Ask yourself why you are toying with the idea of having a baby immediately after getting married. If the sole reason is to put your parents’ or relatives’ nagging to rest, or because all your friends are having babies of their own, then it is probably wise to consider a few other factors before you jump onto the baby bandwagon. But if you and your spouse are thinking of having children early because you both simply love to have little ones at home – go for it! It is okay – and perfectly normal – to feel slightly nervous or anxious whether parenthood will turn out as you had expected. Be open and embrace challenges as a learning process. Having the resolution and enthusiasm to go where this journey takes you, is already half the battle won.
