17th May 2010 , Posted by Dannie

Biohazardous Me – Part 2

In my last post, I shared the instructions that the hospital gave to me for semen analysis.

1) Discharge and abstinence – Discharge on Sunday and abstain (heh… I said ’stain’) until Thursday.

2) Shoot into a bottle – Thoughtfully provided by the hospital in a ziploc bag labelled BIOHAZARD. However, I did forget to mention that it was important that the first burst be captured in the bottle. I suppose the little troopers who stay in the frontline ready to charge right in are probably the most active and aggressive ones. You can’t miss them out!

3) Bring the bottle, safely secured in the BIOHAZARD ziploc bag, to the hospital within an hour. I had to arrive between 2.30pm and 3.30pm.

And I immediately screwed up instruction number 3 by arranging for lunch with an associate from my old job at 1pm. And if that wasn’t enough, I also arranged to meet an old friend I haven’t seen in eons at 2pm, after my lunch.

Good thing she was gracious enough to allow me to cancel on her. Thanks Zoelle!

Me: Hey Zo, sorry… gotta cancel our appointment on Thursday.

Zoelle: Why?

Me: I gotta go home and masturbate. Doctor’s orders.

So, I spent Monday to Thursday in a constant state of agitation. On one hand, I was still coughing pretty badly. On the other hand (heheh), I was stroking myself whenever possible. Wait, wait… before the first comments I get on this blog decry me as a pervert, consider this: This is semen analysis, much like a primal test of manhood. Am I not allowed to stack the odds in my favour?

So the idea was pretty much like having sex for 4 days without reaching orgasm, just so that the final orgasm is MASSIVE.

Oh, and I did not stroke myself in public. So I’m not a pervert in that sense either!

That being said, at approximately 2.30pm on Thursday, I was really disappointed that I could only fill one-eighth of the bottle. One-eighth!!! Whatever happened to the streams and streams of jism that I envisioned after 4 days of giving myself blue balls??? I spent probably another minute-and-a-half coaxing just a little more out of my rapidly deflating rod, then it occurred to me that I only have another 58-and-a-half minutes to get my sperm to the hospital!

Quickly pulling on my pants and putting on a t-shirt, I sealed the bottle (it’s probably at fault for being too big a bottle) and rushed out of the house.

Driving down to the hospital, I suddenly had this imagery of the air conditioning in the car being too cold for my sperm, and they were slowing down, dying off one million by one million. I’m really not sure if this is scientific or not, I’m just telling you what I thought. Decided to switch off the air-conditioning and drive with the windows down instead. After another second’s thought, I tucked the entire package under my t-shirt – body warmth is good. Don’t worry, little ones, Papa’s here for you…

Arrived at the hospital in record time, and I realised I forgot one very important thing. I’m going to write it in caps, so that other fathers-to-be will not make the same mistake as me. And what I learnt was this:

UNLESS YOU ARE VERY COMFORTABLE WALKING AROUND A HOSPITAL FULL OF PREGNANT WOMAN HOLDING A TRANSPARENT ZIPLOC BAG LABELLED BIOHAZARD AND THAT CONTAINS A BOTTLE OF YOUR OWN SPERM, PLEASE, FOR GOD’S SAKE, BRING A PAPER BAG TO HIDE WHAT YOU ARE CARRYING!

Talk about embarassment.

I managed to find an old copy of some newsletter in the car, but it barely hid what I was carrying. And then I had to approach these nurses and whisper awkwardly, “Umm… where do I put my sperm?”

Horrors.