30th May 2010 , Posted by Yi Lin

Pregnant Pause: a book review (and more)

I haven’t written a book review since I was in Primary 3. Simply because nobody has (a) forced me to do one; (b) asked me to do one; (c) paid me to do one.

And I wouldn’t be doing one if I hadn’t stumbled upon this great little find sitting pretty on the New Arrivals shelf at the Bishan Library just yesterday.

I had entered the library with the intention of borrowing a book on the topic of real estate investment (show me the money!!!) when the title “Pregnant Pause” caught my $-signed eye. Now, information on investing in property (i.e. growing money) and thoughts about rearing children (i.e. spending money) are literally not on the same page. So I wouldn’t have noticed the book if I didn’t already have babies on my mind.

And I wouldn’t have been thinking about babies if a colleague, whom I met at a lunch party that our mutual friend organised for her year-old son, had not riled my feathers with her insensitive comments about my personal decisions on starting a family.

Colleague (gesturing in the direction of the birthday boy with her plastic fork): “So, when will it be your turn huh?”

Me (chewing nonchalantly on beef rendang and taking a new interest in the pink cordial remnants at the bottom of the plastic cup): “My turn to do what?”, knowing full well that she was referring to having a baby.

Colleague: “To have a baby lah! You traveled for a year – enjoyed enough already. Time to settle down and have a baby.” Turning to another colleague, she asked, “She has enjoyed herself enough already right?”

To which I bluntly snapped, “NO” and stalked off to refill my cup.

Excuse my poor manners. I’m not usually rude. People who work with me say I’m diplomatic. So if I snap at someone, it means that I.AM.REALLY.PISSED.OFF. I repeat, REALLY.PISSED.OFF. And I don’t care if you’re old (yes, that’s right, I just called her old) – if you don’t respect my personal life, I don’t respect your age. Sorry.

Firstly, I don’t take kindly to people deciding that I’ve “enjoyed enough” by taking a year off work to travel the Americas. Such a decision involves courage, time, money and sacrifices on other aspects of my personal life (as I’ve detailed in my previous blog entries.) Also, if being stuck for 8 hours in traffic due to floods, or getting mugged of your brand new camera in broad daylight, is your idea of enjoyment, then sure, I’ve “enjoyed” enough. That is if my life were according to you. But it is not (thank God.)

Secondly, you do not decide when I should have a baby either. Period. Nothing more to be said. It’s plain rude to tell people when (according to you) they should become parents (or what, really, rot in hell?) She might as well have said, over fried rice and curry, that my husband and I should start having unprotected sex. Yes, it’s THAT personal.

Thirdly, saying that I’ve “enjoyed enough” and should “settle down” is an insult to parents. It suggests (or rather, condescendingly pronounces) that life with kids no longer holds any enjoyment and by deciding to have kids, these brave couples are settling for less. I’ve never met a parent who didn’t tell me that just being with their child makes all those personal sacrifices worth it (especially after my previous post about having to give my hobbies up in the name of pregnancy.)

So, back to the book review (as this post is meant to be.)

I might have just written off “Pregnant Pause” as yet another book dishing out advice to impending mothers (and thus, highly irrelevant at this stage of my life.) What really gripped my attention was the sub-title:

“My Journey Through Obnoxious Questions, Baby Lust, Meddling Relatives, and Pre-Partum Depression”

Obnoxious Questions: Please refer to the first 500 or so words I wrote in this entry. Tick.

Baby Lust: Tick. (happens when I see my friend’s really cute kids and while walking past Mothercare)

Meddling Relatives: *snort in disdain* ‘Nuff said (if not, please refer to my very first blog entry on this portal) Tick.

Pre-Partum Depression: as opposed to post-partum when new mothers fight the urge to strangle their ineffective husbands (or was it the crying babies? Anyway… Tick.)

Actually, I’m only on page 76 of 180 of the book, but I can’t wait to tell people about it already. If you are non-pregnant and feeling persecuted, you’ll find a voice in Carrie Friedman’s insightful, touching and funny writing. If you (or your wife) were/are pregnant, and have forgotten what it was like to be harassed on the topic of babies, I beg of you to read the book still – and remember how your non-pregnant friends feel (Yes, I know some of us non-preggies still have the luxury of smaller waistlines, puke-free clothing and can afford to pole dance, dive and in-line skate every weekend – but life on this side of the fence isn’t perfect yah.)

Excerpt from “Pregnant Pause”: “I’ve always planned to have kids and still do. But as it’s inching closer to becoming reality, I’ve become paralysed by fear, which makes a lot of sense, considering it’s one of the biggest decisions a person can make. (But no pressure, right?) For as much as I love children, I worry they might ruin life as I’ve known it.”

Sounds familiar already? Read on.

“I couldn’t find anyone else who could relate, as most of my friends were at different stages – already parents or still single. I searched for books on the topic but didn’t find any that supported or quelled my feelings.”

“In all the women’s magazines and websites, no category exists for what I’m going through. “Planning for a Baby,” in women’s media, means articles about what to register for, how many onesies you’ll really need, and all the ways to predict when you’re ovulating. No mention of the self-doubt and the fears of how drastically it’ll alter everything – career, marriage, finances. there are sections for health, diet and fitness, pregnancy, infertility, beauty, and style. Where’s the section called “Thinking About Having a Baby?” or “Just Married – Now What?” ”

Some readers have written to the author to thank her for giving them a voice. Similarly, what MaybeBaby does, by inviting Dannie and I to blog, is to give couples like ourselves – who are eventually planning to have children but have not yet done so – some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this bewildering and doubt-splattered stage in life, where the number of annoying busybodies who suddenly pretend to be interested in the child-bearing properties of your womb and ball sac (either or, depending if you’re a guy or girl, and hopefully not both), seem to increase by the tenfold every day.

Amongst you readers, hands up if you – like Carrie and I – have done any of the following: (this would probably apply to female readers only, but if any guys out there are ultra-supportive of your wife, or want to get in touch with your sensitive side, please feel free to participate)

1) Cringed at The Dreaded Question (come on, we all know what it is.)

2) Be subjected to Bump Watch or Womb Watch 2010 (includes earlier versions): where people’s eyes migrate to your unchanging waistline every time you meet them.

3) Sworn off wearing high-waisted and loose-fitting tops or dresses because someone asked if you “had good news to tell”. (This really happened to me in the office, when the tea-lady took one look at my new comfy casual Friday outfit and announced at her 1,293,784 decibel voice that I looked like I had good news to tell.)

4) Balked at the feeling of a stranger or Meddling Relative touch your belly and coo, “Aiyoh, how come so flat still?” HANDS.OFF.MY.BELLY.

5) Been told, “Just wait till you have kids” because before that, you are assumed to know zilch about real life and will never know how happy or busy life can get until you have a baby. I’ll bet that there are many smug parents out there who can do this better than they can spell C-O-N-D-E-S-C-E-N-S-I-O-N.

6) Been warned that every year that you let pass you by, you have a gazillion fewer egg follicles sitting happy in your ovaries (okay, this one is partially true, although a gazillion may be a slight exaggeration on my part.)

I could go on forever. And unfair as it is, it’s true (as both Carrie and my husband have pointed out) that the woman is subject to larger doses of insensitive flak than the man is. So, to the husbands out there: while we try to take as much as we can, it would really mean a lot to your wife if you stepped in each time she is bombarded with questions about starting a family. Either, like my husband, reply with a joke or sarcastic wit; or firmly but politely tell the interviewer that having a baby is a personal matter that he/she is not privy to.

The point is, there is support out there for couples toying with thoughts of parenthood, be it on this MaybeBaby portal, or through me and Dan, or just your circle of friends. And feel free to drop us a note on this blog if you have anything to share.

Now excuse me while I continue with page 77 of my book.

7 Comments

Celine Yeo

June 1st, 2010 at 6:15 am    

Yes, Yilin, you are right when people start asking or telling you about having a baby. It’s a personal choice and I do hope that you have good news to share on Maybebaby.sg soon

CL SHOES

June 11th, 2010 at 6:47 pm    

really appreciate YOU — thanks a lot!

Best Registry Cleaner

June 13th, 2010 at 9:36 pm    

Nice post…Thank you for sharing some good things!!

Selene

June 18th, 2010 at 3:04 pm    

This post struck a chord with me and I totally feel the same about rude people asking me personal questions about when I’m going to get pregnant, etc. It really pisses me off! In fact, I blogged about it here (coincidentally, the title’s Maybe Baby!): http://youdecidelor.wordpress.com/2010/05/06/maybe-baby/

We are also trying to conceive and I enjoy reading about what you guys are going through. Good luck and lots of baby dust!

PS. I know Dannie through our previous jobs so was surprised to find that the both of you are contributors to this site.

Yi Lin

June 21st, 2010 at 11:04 am    

Hi Selene,

Thanks for leaving a note! I also seek comfort in knowing that I’m not alone in this situation. Sometimes I feel bad for snapping back, but all this constant questioning does get on one’s nerves, no? All the best in your journey towards parenthood too. I’ll say ‘hi’ to Dan for you!

Maybe Baby Blog » Time Of My Life

October 10th, 2010 at 11:08 am    

[...] or the rule of law, I ditched it halfway for Time Of My Life. Just like how I innately picked up Pregnant Pause a few months ago, I felt that the protagonist and I had something in [...]

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November 5th, 2010 at 7:56 am    

Amazing website! Keep up the useful entries.

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