13th September 2010 , Posted by Dannie
When we embarked on this journey towards parenthood, we had just returned from a year-long trip. We were totally broke, and to make things worse, I had no job.
Fast forward 5 months, and we have gone through the usual battery of fertility tests, I became gainfully employed, and the wife has started jabbing herself twice daily like a heroin addict who believes he can quit ‘anytime he wants’.
In between that one month of jabs, we visited the hospital a few times. Sometimes for regular checkups, other times for the wife to receive jabs that she cannot administer herself at home. She goes into the gory details on HER blog entries, so I shall not repeat them here.
What was really, really, REALLY important to me was when I would be dating the Biohazardous Bottle instead. For those not in the know, the Biohazardous Bottle (with a strangely appropriate acronym, BB) is what the nurses give to you at the hospital so that you can fill it with your hot steamy cum… spunk… STUFF OF LIFE!
You see, the when of it all was important because I was new to my job. I wasn’t particularly willing to take leave for it, especially knowing that a hospital visit is normally an acceptable reason to be excused from work. Add the fact that I was taking over a major role managing our product suppliers for my new company and my colleague was scheduling meetings like mad for me to meet them quickly, and it was soon very obvious that managing my schedule is going to be extremely tricky.
I can’t ‘disappear’ from my desk. I need to clear the time slots in case meetings are scheduled. I didn’t want to take leave.
There is only one thing to do in situations like this. Cum clean Tell the truth. Then distract them with something funny.
So this is the email I wrote to my boss and the rabid appointment-fixing colleague:
Dear So & So (not their real names, of course!)
I will not be able to come into office or attend any meetings on Friday and/or Monday morning. My wife and I have been trying for children for some time now, and we are now undergoing IVF treatment.
I am expected to provide my samples during either of these two days as a crucial, time-sensitive part of this process, so I will be visiting the hospital during this time.
My wife finds it extremely hilarious that I have to skip work and meetings to masturbate into a bottle. I hope you find some humor in that too.
Sorry for the inconvenience and thank you for your understanding.
Read through it once. Read through it again. Take a deep breath and hit the ‘SEND’ button. Wait for the sound of embarrassed laughter.
When it comes, you know you’ve gotten your permission. Now, this incident right here is why Honesty is the Best Policy.
You just can’t go wrong with it!