6th July 2011 , Posted by Yi Lin
Why Does It Have to Be So Hard?
No, I’m not talking about one of the common and niggling (back)side-effects of pregnancy, although that can be a literal pain in the ass. Things have gone a little potty over the past week though. It does seem that the breezy bliss of the second trimester is coming to an end, as the aches and strains of the third trimester rear their bloody heads and pile on week after week. I shan’t go into the details of my situation because it means sharing Too Much Information in a gross sorta way. And bodily situations that involve TMI are best tackled in Dannie’s blog – along with a good dose of toilet humour to bowl you over, nevermind that I am the butt of the jokes that he cracks most of the time. Nevertheless, after burning an $80 hole in my pocket from a trip to KKH and the pharmacy to find an assortment of ways and means to get to the bottom of the situation, my poor body should recover soon from this physical assault and life should proceed in motion, ass per normal. Lump all those farts facts together and that should be enough to give wind of what’s been happening in my end of the woods recently.
Okay. ‘Nuff said.
So what am I referring to exactly when I ask why does it have to be so hard?
Having babies. In particular, having babies through IVF.
I know quite a few people who are having or who have had a baby this year, which has spurred many mutual friends to exclaim that “EVERYBODY is having a baby!” This seems to ring true amongst my school cohort with many of my university classmates ranking high on the productivity scale (proves that lawyers are never too busy to make a baby or two, huh!)
I put it down to increased exposure to the scene of action. With the onset of pregnancy, I’ve ventured into previously-foreign territories, such as Mothercare, baby expo fairs, the baby-gear section of departmental stores (I had the hardest time ever locating the secret escalator to the kids’ department at Robinsons Centrepoint!) With that, comes increased opportunities to chance upon an old friend or classmate, who is usually toting 0.5 to 2 kids. So naturally, the conversation that follows is about each other’s pregnancy or children, or news about mutual friends and their new additions to the family.
Similarly, post a photo of your pregnant self on Facebook and friends, whom you never knew were expecting or had already become parents, would drop a note to congratulate you and share the news about their pregnancy or new arrival. So in that sense, in your own small world of friends, it could seem that almost everyone you know is having a baby this year.
In the real (as opposed to virtual) world and outside of my immediate social circle, this hardly seems to be the case. I have 800 colleagues working in the same building. There is only ONE other visibly pregnant woman here. True, some male employees could be looking foward to having new additions to the family and you wouldn’t know unless they told you. But, generally, it’s not as if I can spot another pregnant woman in this building every other day.
In the public realm, outside of baby fairs and maternity stores, I hardly ever come across a pregnant woman. Wonder why all eight Reserved Seats in an MRT carriage always seem to be occupied by people who don’t need them? Because, sometimes, there really are no passengers who visibly and genuinely require a seat. Most of the time, it’s just me.
In reality, for every person I know who is having a baby, I know at least one who is trying to conceive through IVF. So far, all their attempts haven’t been successful due to various reasons (or sometimes, for no plausible reason at all – it just didn’t work.) Some of them are friends. Some of them I got to know through this blog – and their blogs – and have had the honour of meeting them. Others, I have never met but they have shared their stories with me over email.
The battles thrown at them vary in type and intensity. And unless you have gone through what they have, you can never imagine how much strength and resolution it takes for these couples to go through one (or more) rounds of IVF, fail, and try again.
You would think that with all this progress in medical technology, it wouldn’t be so hard. It shouldn’t be so hard. I definitely wish it didn’t have to be so hard.
But it IS
Which is why, hearing things like, “Ohhh! Everybody is having babies this year!”, kinda irks me a bit, along with some other comments that people pass when they hear that you’re undergoing IVF. So for the sake of my friends who are trying so hard for babies – just one baby – and for us in future (because we have no frozen embryos left and getting more embryos isn’t exactly like picking up a pack of fifty frozen chicken wings from the supermarket and chucking them into your freezer for future use), please refrain from giving the following responses when somebody shares news of their IVF treatment.
1. Are you sure you need IVF? You just need to relax lah!
Just because most people conceive while lying in bed doesn’t mean that relaxation is the surefire solution to getting pregnant. “Relax and it will happen” is probably the most irksome piece of (rubbish) advice that self-declared fertility gurus can espouse.
(Post Script: one of my favourite bloggers miss ene just brought up another horrific comment: “Just go on holiday! It will happen one! Trust me!” Good grief. Unless your holiday itinerary involves worshipping ancient phallic symbols or some pagan ritual of having naked outdoor sex at the top of a hill under the full moon while witches chant and stir a cauldron of fertility herbs alongside, not everybody can “go on holiday as two and comes back as three!”
2. But you are both so young for IVF!
Sure, age plays a major role in the success of IVF. Unfortunately, even ‘young’ couples start off with the odds stacked against them. The chances of a woman in her early thirties bringing home a live baby conceived through IVF is a mere 30%. Too young for IVF? Unfortunately not.
3. So whose fault/problem is it?
Ooooh. Ouch. These are our precious bits you’re talking about here, so be tactful. I mean, nobody asks, “So what’s wrong with your face?” when you have an acne outbreak, do they? Within the couple, as much as the ‘normal’ half is glad that he/she isn’t the cause of the infertility, we feel bad that our spouse has to deal with the sucky news that his/her bits aren’t functioning very well. So we don’t appreciate the reference to either our self or our spouse – whom we love very very much – as having a problem. To us, addressing infertility is a joint challenge – we don’t split hairs and/or responsibilities in this aspect.
4. Isn’t it invasive?
Well, considering that no normal human being willingly goes around pumping their body with growth hormones through injections and pills for days on end, and having cameras-on-dildos shoved inside their you-know-where, and having the number of follicles growing inside their ovaries shouted out like 4D numbers… YES, it’s all bluddy invasive. And that’s just physically invasive. Be prepared to have your privacy invaded too, like placing a bottle of your husband’s semen into the hands of another woman in front of the waiting room crowd. At least Dan and I manage to see the funny side of it. But what other way is there to look at it, really?
Most people wouldn’t opt for the most invasive medical procedure right at the start. So if somebody tells you that they are undergoing IVF, it is practically guaranteed that all previous attempts with less invasive options have FAILED. So please, be nice.
5. Isn’t it expensive?
As with point (4) above, given the option, most couples would try less expensive options first before shelling out months worth of savings to do IVF. So at this point, there is little choice left for them but to hope that their $10,000-chance at conceiving will work. So unless you have an intention to donate to the babymaking fund, don’t ask whether or not we think it is expensive. It only makes us feel crap about all the money we’re spending to buy a chance at making a baby when everybody else can do it FOR FREE. You know, like FOC? $0?
6. Is it worth it?
Bad question to ask. If we didn’t truly believe that a glimmer of hope was worth all this time, money, effort and pain, we wouldn’t do it. Who in their right mind would?
7. Is there no other way?/ Can’t you do it the normal way?/ Is it necessary?
No sh*t, Genius, brilliant observation! We didn’t think of trying naturally! I actually had an ex-boss who asked me this (reason enough to make him an EX-boss.) IVF is a medical necessity for couples who have tried all other methods and still cannot conceive. Having children may be a lifestyle choice; IVF is not – and should not be treated on the same level as a boob job or a nose job. At least for cosmetic surgery, you can be assured of bigger boobs or a different nose at the end of it. IVF, on the other hand, cannot guarantee you a baby.
If you are an employer, try to be understanding towards staff – both male and female – who are seeking IVF treatment. Grant her a couple of hours off now and then for the numerous blood tests and ultrasound scans that she has to undergo for each cycle. Understand that she cannot choose which day or time to get these tests done. Give him time off to wank into a cup and rush his troops and their queen to the hospital (he has just 30 minutes during peak hour traffic to do it) – a sufficiently stressful process in itself. Understand that waiting times at hospitals are erratic and appointments often run late. We are not asking for sympathy for our situation, just some understanding and leeway on your part.
8. Why don’t you just adopt instead of spending all this money on making yet another baby when there are so many children in this world who need parents?
Because conceiving, carrying, bonding with and giving birth to your own baby is JUST NOT THE SAME as selecting one from the orphanage. Yes, there are infertile couples who do choose to adopt and I admire them for their decision. But adoption is a big issue to grapple with – it’s not quite the same as picking a puppy from the pound. Financially, adoption can cost more than IVF as adminstrative, agency and legal fees can run into tens of thousands of dollars. For most couples, adoption would be the last resort because until we run out of time, money, patience and resolve, we would want to keep trying for children of our own before giving in to adoption.
9. Oooh, you might get twins or triplets!
And to add on, “It would be perfect if you could have a boy and a girl!” really takes the cake. While multiple pregnancies do happen with IVF, the chances are small. Most couples undergoing IVF would be grateful just to have ONE healthy foetus. Anything more than one is a bonus. I understand that everybody wants what they think is the best for us, but let us dream our own dreams, not some Ken and Barbie fairytale ending.
10. Don’t give up! Keep trying! It will happen! You just need to give it time.
Yes, I know everybody means well and wants to be encouraging. But unless someone has been through IVF before and REALLY understands what not giving up and continuous trying entails (more jabs, more scans, more waiting, more uncertainty, more heartache), it kinda… doesn’t have any real meaning? We appreciate the encouragement, but re-trying IVF is on a different scale altogether than say, determinedly shooting baskets over and over again to get the ball through the hoop. We’re not working on honing a skill here, where you know that if you try and try and try again, you will succeed. Someday. We are hoping for a miracle. And no one can promise that a miracle will happen – even with time.
So what can you say?
We understand that people do want to show concern, but may not be sure how to do it sensitively. Sometimes, there’s no need to say anything more than a simple “good luck”. Just keep your friends in your thoughts and prayers, let them know that you’re rooting for them, and that’s enough. Really.
Even though I’ve been through both the failure and success of IVF, I find myself at a loss for words when a friend or reader tells me that their attempt at IVF didn’t work out. If you genuinely want to understand more about what these couples are going through, be sensitive and ask nicely. Starting off with, “I’m sorry but I’m not familiar with the IVF process and don’t quite understand what it entails. Could you explain please?” will more than open doors for a genuine and heartfelt conversation 
The End (oooh, reminds me of my physical ordeal of the week *cringe*)
5 Comments
ttc-ing
July 11th, 2011 at 3:00 am
thank you for writing this! totally relate to it though im not on ivf track yet… it especially bugs me when my close friends tell me to “relax” or ask if i am trying hard enough??!!
wish me luck and take care for the rest of your preggie journey!
*shower me with your babydust pls!
Yi Lin
July 11th, 2011 at 7:30 am
Dear ttc-ing,
Thank YOU for your comment. Sometimes I worry about coming across as angsty or constantly complaining when I write about topics like that. Comforting to know that other people feel bugged by this too. I know that most people mean well, but it IS really not very nice to tell someone to relax or ask if they are trying hard enough! Do they really think we’re having uptight fun-less sex like mechanical robots or not having enough sex to make a baby?? And it’s really hard to come back with an appropriate response in the face of such comments, so we just smile, let them slide and thus, this need to rant (although I try to do it moderately and semi-diplomatically…)
I guess most people don’t fully understand what IVF really entails either. It all sounds very easy to mix sperm and egg in a petri-dish. Thus the propensity to callously toss up IVF as THE solution to the problem (“Try IVF lah”) or say things like, “Do IVF good what, then can have twins.”
Thank you for the well wishes. Only 6 weeks more on this preggie journey! All the very very best in yours. May you get the result that your heart desires.
Hugs & baby dust!
ttc-ing
July 12th, 2011 at 7:28 am
yilin, hugs and thank you for your words. i have been reading and re-reading your entries as it has been very encouraging in my journey. (esp love your letter to God and your 2WW entries)
the irony of life is such that ppl will first ask “are you trying”. if you are, they will ask you “have you tried enough” (i dont get it… how to gauge we are not trying enough??i mean, i wont want to tell them how often i do the deed with my hubby right?) if you said you have tried xyz or abc, they will then say “oh, then you need to relax la”
after a while, they will ask “have you consider IVF?” if you said yes, they will go “really got need ah?? relax some more first la..” and it never ends!
pls continue to rant if you need to because you are speaking out for many of us who have kept mum on this topic. =)
have a smooth delivery and looking forward to your posts!
Ling 17
July 13th, 2011 at 3:31 am
Dear Yilin,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Though I have not started the treatment yet but I really can relate to it. There are just people who will ask insensitive questions and make one feel so inferior.
May I know which doctor do you consult in KK for IVF?
wish you have a smooth pregnancy and pls also shower me with your babydust!
Yi Lin
July 15th, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Dear Ling 17, thanks for leaving a note! Aww, never ever feel inferior because of this. Just our luck to have drawn the short straw when it comes to having babies, but we deal with it the best we can, yah? And emerge stronger because of it – stronger than those people who give you grief over this topic. I’m seeing Dr Sadhana Nadarajah, a senior consultant at KKH for IVF.
Ttc-ing, wow, thanks for re-reading my entries. I thought I’d be the only one who actually reads them more than once, haha (always helps pass the time on a long MRT ride.) This blog really is a nice record of the whole ttc experience and memories, which are already fading with time (and pregnancy hormones.) Something you should consider too, even if it’s a private blog or diary.
Thank you both for the well wishes. Just went for a scan and check-up today, everything’s going well. Saw
Sprinklings, showers and truckloads of babydust to all! Feel free to drop a note or ask questions anytime!
the baby sucking on her thumb!
Leave a reply