4th February 2012 , Posted by Yi Lin

Work Around The Clock

Last week, I wrote about my experience returning to the office as a working mum.

Two lovely readers left comments on the post. Both shared that they felt guilty about spending time away from their babies and in particular, missing their babies’ “firsts”. I have more thoughts to share on that topic but first, I thought I’d give everybody a rundown on how I try to juggle work and family demands on a typical weekday. I, too, had many questions for my friends who became working mums before I did, so hopefully the information here will come in useful for new mums making the return to work soon.

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7.00 AM: My alarm goes off. I (reluctantly) haul my sleepy self out of the nice warm bed to brush my teeth. Then, I wake Coco up and nurse her. Once she’s done feeding, I change her diaper, pop her back into her cot and activate her cot mobile. That usually keeps her well-entertained till I’m done showering and getting dressed for work. I hand her over to my mum, pack all the breast pump paraphernalia into my backpack and have my breakfast.

Spending a few minutes in the morning sinking their teeth (for Coco, this is literal) into the written word.

8.00 AM: We say our goodbyes to Coco. Dan drops me off at the MRT station and I zip towards town on the train.

8.45 AM: I arrive at the office. I head for the nursing room and pop the coolant block into the freezer and the bottles into the fridge. I set up my pump (plug it into the socket, attach the tubes) so that should I need to rush through a pumping session later that morning, everything is ready for use. I plonk myself down at my desk and start the work day.

9.30 AM: At home, my mum gives Coco her bath, a drink of water and puts her down for her morning nap.

11.30 AM:

I make a beeline for the nursing room for pump session no.1

At home, our helper gives Coco her lunch: a small bowl of baby cereal and her first bottle of milk.

2.00 PM: Coco settles down for her afternoon nap under the watchful eye of my aunt

3.30 PM – 4.00 PM:

At my desk, I douse the pump parts in boiling water and thereafter, it’s back to The Pump Room for session no.2.

Coco wakes from her afternoon nap and has her second bottle of milk at about 4pm. After that, she plays and my aunt brings her for a short evening stroll around the neighbourhood, usually to the nearby playground to watch the older kids play.

6.00 PM:

Barring any work exigencies, I make it a point to leave the office on time and head home. Before that, I make a final trip to the nursing room to collect the expressed milk from the refrigerator. Dan picks me up from the MRT station at 6.45pm and we chat about our day as he drives us home.

Meanwhile, my aunt feeds Coco her second bowl of baby cereal

7.00 PM: We reach home and say our hellos to Coco! She raises her arms towards me and gets visibly upset if I don’t carry her immediately, even if somebody else is carrying her. But I have plenty to do – transfer the expressed milk from my bag to the fridge, change out of my work outfit, remove my make-up – before I pick her up, so Dan carries her in the meantime. We say thank you and goodbye to my aunt. I nurse Coco and we play with her till it’s time for our dinner.

9.00 PM: I give Coco her evening wipe-down and a drink of water. By now, she’s usually all tired out and sometimes falls asleep on the changing table even before I’m done dressing her in her pyjamas. If she’s still semi-awake by the time I’m done, I cuddle her and pat her to sleep on our bed. She stays on our bed while I have my shower and relax in the adjacent study room.

11.30 PM: I nurse Coco for one final time (without waking her) before placing her in her cot, still asleep. I fit in one last pumping session, then wash and sterilise the bottles and pump parts for use the next day. I think the bottles and other items don’t actually remain 100% sterile if they are not used within four hours. But Coco seems to take to the semi-sterilised stuff just fine so I’m just sticking with whatever has worked so far!

12.30 AM: I flop into bed, set my alarm for 7am and hope (very fervently) that she doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night.

Of course, the routine doesn’t flow like clockwork each and every time. So we just have to be flexible, adjust accordingly and do whatever it takes for all three of us get as much sleep as possible!

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Yes, it’s a daily juggling act but we manage, with all hands on deck. Even though I spend a good part of the day away from my baby, I don’t feel guilty and think myself as being less of a mum than somebody who spends the whole day at home.

Guilt is a function of not meeting the expectations that we set upon ourselves. Not just in the area of parenting, but also expectations at work. With regards to parenting, think about it this way:

Remember the annual NAPFA physical fitness test that we used to have to do in primary school all the way until we were about 18? I don’t recall the exact details and things may have changed since, but I think as long as you managed to get a certain grade and above in all the five fitness stations, you would be given the Gold Award for overall fitness. You are certified FIT.

If however, you choose to measure fitness by taking part in long-distance runs and completing the route in good time, you are also certified FIT.

Similarly, splitting up your time to cater to different demands (time with baby, work commitments, expressing during working hours, time spent commuting to work/home, couple time, etc.) may make you a jack of all trades and master of none, but you still get an ‘A’ or Gold Award for parenting. Conversely, being a stay-at-home mum and dedicating the day to your baby would also certify you a Good Parent. My mum has been a champion juggler ever since she had me and subsequently, my siblings. I don’t think that staying at home full-time for the past 32 years would have made her a better mum. Instead, the weekends and the days where she took time off from work for family vacations or simply to just stay at home with us, were magical. In my eyes, she is already the best mum that I could have.

What I’m trying to say is, there are many different parenting styles to suit many different situations. It’s up to us to make the option that we choose work for us and be the best parent that we can be to our children. If you fall short in an area where other mums excel, as long as you don’t put the same expectation on yourself, there is no need to feel guilty about not doing the same, as long as your child is happy with how things are going for your family.

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We often think of our children “firsts” as their first step or first foray into solids, etc. and we feel guilty about being at work and missing out on these events. We can either choose to feel bad about not being there when our baby first rolled over, or we could take delight in encouraging her to deliver a repeat performance in our presence. Take it as your baby rolling over for the first time for mummy.

Accept that we can’t be around for every first experience, especially once kids start school. In any case, children usually get excited about learning a new skill and are just dying to show off to their parents, even if the latter weren’t around when the kid first acquired the skill. I remember being really pleased at learning how to play a full song on the recorder at school and making my parents listen to me play it over and over again, from the minute they stepped through the front door upon returning home from work.

Also, “first” experiences don’t have to be limited to just developmental milestones. Every new experience is a “first” in itself. Missed her first taste of solids? Focus instead on introducing new foods and creating opportunities for more first experiences i.e. first taste of bananas, first sip of juice, first bowl of porridge, etc. Missed her first step? Take pictures of her first walk on the beach, her first pair of running shoes, her first race on Sports Day, etc.

Just see how many new experiences we shared with Coco today:

Coco's not quite sure what to make of her first sensation of grass on her bare feet

First visit to a pet shop. She's never seen a real bunny before!

First time meeting a Clone Trooper. She loved hitting him on the head.

First time BEING a Clone Trooper!

Her very first lightsabre! *schwang*

First cosmic battle with a giant clown fish... Whatever! You get the idea!

"Aren't you a little short to be a Stormtrooper?"

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So hey, the return back to the office doesn’t have to be gloomy. While your employment contract may stipulate the hours that you have to be at work, you can find ways to work around having to spend a good part of your day away from the baby and STILL be there for her. Work around that clock.

Memories are for us to create – and even the simplest ones can earn you, in your child’s eyes, an ‘A’ in parenting.

2 Comments

Carol

February 15th, 2012 at 8:34 pm    

Hi Yi Lin

This is a superbly encouraging post. Thanks a lot!

With two kids, my evening time gets really ’squashed’ and divided and I am usually knocked out myself by 10pm on weekdays after I get the elder one to bed following the younger one’s bedtime. There really isn’t much time for play and cuddle with each of them individually or together, not as much as I would like, and I have totally slacked in reading books to them on weeknights – it’s more of like one task after the other from the moment we step home from work/childcare centre: unpack bags, dinner-cum-catch up with hubby over the meal, bathtime, nursing time, zzzz. Bang, bang, bang. For before I know it, I will need to wake up again in the middle of the night for one more nursing/pumping session, usually. Such has been our weekday schedule for the past half a year since I returned to work.

This year, I am trying to work around it. By dropping by the infant care during my lunch time to play with the younger one, if he is not napping then (it helps that the infant care centre is on site my workplace!). And then directing more attention to the elder one at home after dinner. Like it or not, the truth is that they each individually need our attention sometimes, not just time for group play.

Two things that I have been doing for the past six months to make up for the lack of interaction time with them on weekdays is to 1) take leave from work on isolated days to just be with them at home, or take them out to play; and 2) do lots of things and try out new experiences over the weekends. Hence our weekends are usually chock full with many lovely memories of new ‘firsts’ for them (and for us parents too!).

Till one more comes along and then the ‘formula’ will need to be reworked, this seems to be the rhythm of our family life for now. Not perfect, but I guess we are not doing so badly either.

Yi Lin

February 19th, 2012 at 11:20 am    

Hey Carol, thanks for sharing about how you balance work and family demands. You’re right – whatever arrangements we come up with are not perfect, but it works and we adjust as the family grows.

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